@actuallyautistic
The reasons why many of us didn't realise we were autistic until we were much older, are as many and varied as we are. In large part it was certainly because for most of our lives our understanding, and the understanding in general of what autism was, could best be described as medieval. If we ever did come upon an article or anything to do with autism, we may have seen an echo of ourselves reflected within it, but mostly it just acted to confirm that we didn't fit it at all.
Another major player could well be the way that many of us learnt to mask. We found ways of doing it that we could sustain, in many cases for decades, and that whilst, no doubt, didn't entirely hide the strange, did at least allow us to function within the world. And that is one of the aspects of masking that is often overlooked. It's sheer utility. It's like living in a foreign country and learning to become proficient enough in its language and customs. You don't exactly understand why things have to be done in certain ways and you certainly don't always feel comfortable with some of the hoops you have to go through and the effort it costs. But, you can at least get by without upsetting too many apple carts and by being largely accepted by the locals.
It's one of the reasons why we can struggle to unmask. It's difficult to see why we should give up something that works. In fact, in some respects, it may even be impossible for us to entirely unmask. So much of it has become who we are, as much as a shield to hide behind. But the fact that it was a shield, means that for many of us the effort should still be made. If you're always hiding, then you are never seen. It's not you who are praised, or wanted, or valued. It's not you, who can feel that sense of worth or pride in what you've done, in how you are in the world. It's why many of us, especially if we are lucky enough to find something we enjoy and are good at, become basically workaholics. It's the one area where what we are doing mirrors who we are, and any praise can be felt as if it's earned. And if in all other areas you have self-esteem low enough to out limbo dance an earthworm, then that's no small thing. Because in so many ways, it's experiencing the positive interactions of actually being seen that builds up self-esteem and worth and you can't do that if you are hiding behind a shield.
#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic
